


Fullmetal Exhibitionist

by SonjaJade



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Gen, Public Nudity, streaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-11 21:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10475265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonjaJade/pseuds/SonjaJade
Summary: Ed and Ling have the perfect plan to make this Homecoming the most memorable of all time- except Ling doesn't help much at all, and Ed ends up paying the price.





	

They stood behind the announcer’s booth, located at the top of the visiting team’s side of the bleachers.  Ling was stripping out of his shirt when a cold October wind blew across his tanned, golden skin.  “Goddamn it, we picked a good night to do this!” he bitched as he shivered.

“Always complainin’!” Ed said, he himself out of most of his own clothing.  “Don’t you realize we could make the evening news for this!  We’ll probably get our own page in the yearbook!  And imagine all the pussy we’re gonna get for being brave enough to go through with it!”  Ed was down to his boxers.  “This is gonna be the best half time show that any homecoming game has ever seen.”

Ling shivered again, standing behind Ed and wondering how he could weasel out of this.  Suddenly, he had it.  He bent down, rolled his pants up quickly, picked up his borrowed trench coat and wrapped it around him tightly, and said, “Alright, I’m ready.”

“Ling, you’re not gonna flash ‘em, you’re gonna streak!  You gotta be completely naked!  Leave the coat here.”  Ed slid his boxers off, his bare white ass covered in goosebumps from the frigid fall air.

“I’ll drop it when we get to the field, I’m freezing enough as it is.”

“Jeeze, what a fuckin’ wimp,” Ed groaned.  “Get ready.”

“I’m right behind you Ed,” Ling smiled.  They took a runner’s stance, waiting for that perfect moment when the last of the players cleared the football field but before the marching band entered.  When the time was right, Ed yelled as loud as he could, “CENTRAL BULLDOGS!!!” and took off running past the announcer’s booth, down the aluminum bleachers, a thunderous _clang!_ ringing out with every pounding step he took.  Everyone on the home side looked over to see an athletic blonde boy racing naked down the fifty yard line, his ponytail flying in the wind, seemingly calling over his shoulder to someone who wasn’t there…

Ling was doubled over in laughter, still safely hidden around the back corner from where the announcers sat, watching Ed run all over the school’s emblem in the center of the field, gyrating his hips at one point and shouting his love for his school.  The homecoming crowd was alive with cheers and laughter.  Ed stopped and looked around with a victorious smirk on his face, expecting to find Ling with him.  When he didn’t, his face turned the brightest shade of red and he made to run back to where his clothes were.  As he darted away from referees carrying large blankets, he heard the principal, a hard ass named Mustang, shouting for a runningback to grab him, and the next time Ed looked over his shoulder, he saw Central’s best player charging at him in full football regalia: pads, helmet, cleats…

Ed was the only one who heard the sickening crack his head made against Jean Havoc’s helmet.  His head spun, he saw stars, and in the midst of all the noise and the bright lights shining down on them, things began to get quiet and turn black, and the boy passed out.  When he awoke, Ling was standing beside the two benches they’d pushed together and laid him on in the locker room.

“You son of a bitch,” Ed snarled, then immediately groaned at the way his voice echoed painfully in his head.

“You’re a hit!  They cheered for you all through the band’s routine!”  Ed’s response was a weak middle finger tossed in his general direction.  “I brought your clothes with me.”

“Ling, we were supposed to do this together, brothers from another mother and all that shit.  Why’d you ditch me at the last second?”

Ling crossed his arms.  “Because I saw what the cold air was doing to you, and because I wanna impress Lan Fan, not have her laugh at me.”

Ed covered his eyes with the back of one hand.  “What the cold was doing to me?”

“Ed, I know you’re short and all,” he said, his friend groaning in frustration, “but you were having some _major_ shrinkage.”  Gold eyes peeked out from under a pale hand.  “It was like… baby sized.”

“Oh fuck…” he whined.  “And everybody saw it didn’t they?”

“Yep.”

“Oh my God…”  He sat up slowly, a blanket still wrapped tightly around him.  He cradled his face in his palms and growled at himself.  Then he turned on Ling again, “Why didn’t you _tell me_?”

His friend smiled evilly.  “And miss the show!?”

“Ling!  I swear-”

“I see you’re awake, Mr. Elric.”  Principal Mustang stood at the door, wearing his ‘not amused’ face.  As he strode to where the two boys were talking his shoes echoed heavily in the air.  “I want you to know that my mother was in the crowd tonight.”  Shit, he’d made an ass of himself in front of practically the whole word then, including what was probably a sweet old lady.

“I don’t have any excuse for my actions, Mr. Mustang.  I apologize for behaving this way in front of your mom.”  Ed kept his eyes on his bare toes, not brave enough to look at the man after he’d visually assaulted his mother.

Mustang’s eyes softened.  “It’s alright.  She quite appreciated the spectacle you made of yourself, and wanted me to tell you she’s seen horseflies who were hung better.”  Ling snickered at that, then covered his mouth when Mustang glared at him for his outburst.  “Now, as for your punishment…”

“Please, sir, whatever you do don’t tell my mother.  I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t tell my mom.  I’ll even clean your own house from top to bottom to military expectations, every day until the end of the school year, just don’t tell my mom.”

Mustang sighed as he crossed his arms.  “You’re lucky your mother wasn’t home when I called, then.  And I think your knowledge that everyone has now seen how endowed you are,” he fought a laugh for a moment, “is punishment enough.  Good luck getting a date for the senior prom.”

Ed slumped over, defeated.  “Thank you, sir.”

“And if you should even think of acting up again, I will suspend you, and I will tell your mother about this.  Are we clear?”

“Yes sir.”

Mustang straightened.  “Good.  Now how about you get dressed and go home.  I’m sure the world will look a lot clearer to you in the morning.”  Ed nodded, and after he dressed, he left Ling at the dance while he went home, watched a movie and called it an early night, not even staying up to hear the crowd’s reaction from his brother.

The next day, Ed got up and began to fix breakfast for everyone as his mother sipped her coffee and read her newspaper.  As he was scrambling the eggs, he heard his mother gasp.  He looked toward her and she looked back at him with a furious stare.

“EDWARD ELRIC!!!  WHAT IS THIS!!?”  She turned the front of the sports section towards him, and there in black and white pixilated glory, was a very large photo of him being chased by the referees across the football field, completely naked.  Ed’s wide eyes flicked back and forth between his mother and the picture, and in a last ditch effort, he dropped the bowl of eggs and took off running out the back door in his pajamas.  As he ran down the street, he thought to himself, ‘I shoulda tried out for track!’


End file.
